How powerful is this thought/feeling connection that can move us from tears to laughter so instantly? We seem to be at the whim of each thought, or each act, as it’s under the spotlight.

Things aren’t, however, what they seem. We’re neither a captive audience nor an unwilling participant in this mental big top. We’re the circus master, the creator of every moment. And, as much as it may seem otherwise, we truly write the script, not of the events but rather of our experience of the events. As much as we might resist the idea that we have a choice and can change our perception, truth is that we can. We have free will.

It’s easy to point to worst case scenarios and “what if’s.” Of course life is a series of ups and downs, of wins and losses. It’s not that we’re likely to walk through this journey without some adversity. What we do know, however, is that we have an innate resiliency and a profound capacity to choose well-being and wisdom regardless of past or current circumstances.

When we feel gripped by worry or anxiety, by self-doubt and insecurity it’s the perfect opportunity to see how seriously we’re taking our thinking. We’re believing the script. We’re seeing the world through the lens of a thought. It’s then that we can see the myriad options available to us. We can recognize the habits that we’ve innocently developed and we can let them go.

It’s a lifelong discovery that continues to surprise and delight as we realize that we can free ourselves from thinking that doesn’t serve us. We can recognize the feeling that tells us, loud and clear, where we’re going with an unwanted thought. We can continue to peel away the layers that keep us from our true nature, one of compassion and love.

We can feel deep gratitude for the gift of our innate health, that capacity to live in a good feeling more of the time. And we can decide where our thinking will take us.

As Sydney Banks reminds us in The Missing Link, “We are all just a thought away from a good feeling.”

As I reflected on the content of the “New Year’s” articles that have been published in SPIN for the last few years it became clear that a common thread ran through them—the hope for dreams fulfilled, change for the better, potential realized. Out of that reflection came the question; “Why do we seem to have the same list year after year?” Why is learning to play the guitar and to speak passable French still on my list after so many years? Not to mention exercise more and procrastinate less. Then, as it so often happens, a casual conversation offered the pearl of wisdom; the “aha moment.”

The reason that so many of us have the same list year after year, decade after decade, is we believe or think that what’s on our list isn’t really possible. We believe that we have limits. We have innocently (and unconsciously) bought into the idea that we cannot change. How many times have you heard the old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” suggesting that we’re stuck with our habits. Our language betrays our self portrait. “I could never speak in public, carry a tune, play the piano, ride a horse, go back to school, live with you, live without you.”

Of course we do have certain limitations that cannot be denied. Some physical restrictions do exist. Some mental restrictions do exist. What also exists, however, is the potential to push our limits and reach unimagined heights. A 72 year old woman wrote her first book. A legally blind skier became an Olympic athlete. A young boy started a grassroots organization for global change. A grandmother got her BA. All around us is evidence, some small, some enormous, that the human spirit knows no bounds.

If it’s truly our thinking that creates our experience moment to moment, and if we do in fact have the ability to change our thinking then why don’t we? Why do we settle for less?

The aha moment that occurred, while seemingly obvious was, at the same time, very revealing and profound. The only thing standing between us and our amazing potential is a thought. The only thing keeping us from changing a habit or overcoming a fear is a thought. It’s the same for all of us all of the time. Is that really possible? You bet it is!

The problem with the “now” comes from the fact that we’re not always aware of or present to it. Have you ever noticed, when travelling somewhere, that you can be almost at your destination and yet completely unaware of the past several miles. Your mind has been wandering. Your thoughts were not in the moment.
When we’re in the moment we’re not thinking about the past or the future. We’re simply attentive to what we’re doing. For example, when we’re touched by the beauty of a sunset or a painting, or when we’re moved by a baby’s smile or a loved one’s voice we’re living in the now.

What happens, all too often, is that our thoughts wander. Perhaps when we’re touched by a sunset we might be reminded of another sunset in the past that was shared with a lost love and we feel sad. Or we might think of a sunset that accompanied a hilarious beach party when we were in our teens and we feel amused. In either situation we are drawing an experience from the past and giving it life through a thought. This will happen from time to time. It’s inevitable and part of our humanity. It would be impossible, I believe, to live constantly in the moment. What we can do, though, is become aware of what we’re doing, of where our thinking is taking us. We can see our thinking as the source of our feeling.

We have the amazing gift to choose where we’ll go with that thought. We can catch ourselves in our moment to moment creation and decide whether we want to make an elaborate web out of a single thought or simply let it go.

A group of us were passing a church recently and noticed the sign which read “Each day comes only once in a lifetime.” We might take it even further and say that each moment comes only once in a lifetime. How many moments are we willing to miss in the service of past events remembered or future events imagined? The answer is, as few as possible!

Did you ever imagine that it was possible to live most of your life in a good feeling? Did you think for a moment that you could let go of old insecurities and hurts? Did you really believe that you had within you a profound capacity to forgive and move forward?

Most of us do not believe we can. Most of us, I would guess, have grown up believing that it was outside circumstances and events that dictated our sense of well-being and that, other than the odd dash of “positive thinking,” we were at the mercy of our thinking. If someone criticized me and my feelings were hurt it seemed obvious to me that they’d caused my upset. It was with surprise, and some disbelief, that I first heard that I had a choice. I could choose to take my insecure thinking seriously or I could choose to see the bigger picture and take my thinking (and myself) more lightly. It was, for me, the most freeing experience of my life. I was no longer at the mercy of other people’s opinions and actions nor was I held hostage by my own insecure thoughts. I now knew, from personal experience, that I could let go of thinking that didn’t serve me and live in calm more of the time. Does that mean that I was guaranteed never to be gripped by low moods or judgment or fear? Not at all. What it does mean, however, is that once we are onto ourselves, that is, once we understand that we’re the creators of our moment-to-moment experience, we can never again be as gripped. We are able to catch ourselves sooner.

How do we do that? We do it by becoming more aware of our feelings. Every thought has a feeling attached to it. You can’t have an angry, or fearful, or joyous thought without experiencing a feeling that matches it. So, as we become more tuned into our feelings we can catch ourselves earlier in the game. We can decide not to make an epic out of a passing thought. We can decide not to go down the rabbit hole.

There are so many advantages to seeing the role of thought in the creation of our experience of reality. Not only are we free to choose, we’re also, through this understanding, able to access the deep source of well-being that lives within each of us. We can more readily move into gratitude, wisdom and forgiveness. We also can begin to see the innocence in those around us as they become gripped by their habitual thinking and insecurity. We can live in a good feeling more of the time. Road rage can become a thing of the past. Grudges can be seen as an almost comical waste of time. Life can become a journey of discovery that is truly beyond our wildest dreams.

It appears as though these ups and downs are created by the events in our lives. When we are rushing to an appointment, a traffic jam can often make us feel angry and upset with other drivers. There is an endless list of things that seem to alter our sense of well-being. Burnt toast, a stubbed toe, spilled coffee, misplaced keys are among the more common, minor occurrences that can “set us off”. Sometimes even the weather can be seen to cause a low mood. Equally evident are the things that evoke a feeling of joy and enthusiasm. The smile of a loved one, the sound of a favourite song, the smell of fresh coffee can all bring us a sense of pleasure.

Naturally in the course of our lives we face other more significant events. We all have experienced both ups and downs, losses and gains, as part of our journeys.

For some reason, when we consider our well-being, we tend to focus on our negative experiences or low moods. But what is the common denominator in our extremes of feelings? What is the source of our moment-to-moment view of the world?

There has been much written about various causes and cures for “the blues”. Certainly there is sound scientific research behind a great deal of it. We feel better when we exercise, get enough rest, avoid certain dietary pitfalls. There are proven variations in brain chemistry and hormones that can affect our perceptions. However, at the end of the day, it is thought that paints the final picture.

So what is our role in the creation of our experience? How can we live in a more consistent state of well-being? What is the “common denominator” in both our joy and our sadness, in our highs and in our lows?

We seem to have little to say about what thoughts pop into our minds. Save for the already mentioned self-care, our thinking appears to be beyond our control and in response to the outside world. As we’ve discussed often in this column, we now know that life is an inside out experience and that it’s not the event that creates our “movie” but instead it’s what we make of the event. What we think is what we get—until we recognize our ability to let a thought go. Hand-in-hand with that, however, is realizing the impersonal nature of thought. Thought in and of itself has no spin. We give it meaning by what we make of it. That is the “common denominator”. Whatever the thought, it’s how seriously and personally we take it that creates our experience and our reality.

Recently he wrote on gratitude, a topic that we’ve talked about before but which somehow seemed worth revisiting.

When we consider gratitude in the context of an outside-in experience, it’s easy to see how we would feel grateful for certain events such as a successful business venture or a recovery from an illness. There are an endless number of situations that we could, and likely would, give thanks for. Happy, healthy children, loving families, good friends . . . and on and on.

When, on the other hand, we consider gratitude from an inside-out perspective it becomes a different experience. Our gratefulness is no longer dependent on certain outcomes or expectations but is a state of mind. It is, in a way, our default setting as we move through life. Living in gratitude allows us to see the smallest occurrence through different eyes. We can see the gift in the everyday. We are even able to see the gift in some of life’s challenges, realizing that each one is an opportunity for learning and growth.

With gratitude as our stance there is a physical experience of calm. Often our shoulders will relax and our sense of well-being deepens and our lives are enriched.

I witnessed this kind of gratitude recently when a loved one, who is experiencing a painful, debilitating illness, was hospitalized. To quote: “I had the best time. I met so many interesting people and made so many new friends.” That is the inside-out practice of gratitude at its best.
We’ve been taught that we must have some “thing” to be grateful for. We’ve been taught that it’s outside events that create our experience of reality. We now have sufficient evidence proving that our experience is thought created. In other words, it’s not the event that creates our reality but rather what we make of the event.

The paradigm shift in how we understand our moment-to-moment experience frees us to choose how we will view the world. Will we be curious and excited or will we be bored and dissatisfied? Will we be hopeful and resilient or will we be fearful and anxious? The profound truth that life is an inside-out creation is perhaps the thing for which we should be most grateful. It enables us to return to a sense of well-being more of the time, regardless of circumstances.

Of course there are life events that sadden us and some that shake our faith in humanity. There are events that shock and disturb us. Woven through those events, however, are amazing acts of kindness, generosity and courage. Given that we have the gift of choice, let it be gratitude. To quote Robert Genn from his article: “It may be that gratefulness is the very basis of an evolved creative life and a life well lived.”

What can we make of these bumps in our interactions? Why is it such a common occurrence in our daily intercourse?

As in most of our behaviour, our communication style is essentially a habit—one that is learned from our culture and family of origin. As we learn the words that make up our mother tongue so do we learn the inflections and expressions that give those words emphasis and meaning. Hence the amazingly revealing and fascinating study of linguistics.

So how can we improve the quality of our communication and our expression? First we must become aware of our habits. What is our tone of voice and choice of words when we are interacting with family and friends? Equally important, what is our facial expression and body language when we are communicating? Most important of all, what is the feeling and the thought behind the expression?

I once watched a video of a very well-known therapist working with a couple who were having serious difficulty in their communication. The wife felt unheard and the husband felt demeaned and disrespected. As the video unfolded, it was clear what habits interfered with a smooth easy interaction. The wife had a habit of shaking her finger at her husband when she wanted him to listen. He responded by withdrawing and actually wincing, pulling away from her. She truly did not realize, nor did he, how their dance perpetuated a feeling of distance. As they became aware that they had within them the profound ability to recognize the role of their thinking in this process, they were then able to recognize their habitual behaviour and to change it.

We have made reference previously to Teflon versus Velcro thinking. This is an especially apt metaphor when it comes to communication. When our words are spoken from a place of judgment and insecurity, the most innocent statement may appear as rough as Velcro.  When, on the other hand, we speak from the profound place of wisdom and understanding that resides in each of us, our words are sincere and heartfelt. The exchange is smooth like Teflon and even a difficult message can be delivered with compassion.

We will always have our own unique styles of communicating—our own dialect, our own turn of phrase, our own mannerisms.  What I would wish for is that, as much as possible, we create an experience of rapport and respect, the language of love.

We now have a potentially world changing paradigm shift in the field of psychology and philosophy. Although there has long been reference to the concept that “As a man thinketh so he is,” we now have hard evidence that we do, in fact, live in a thought created reality.

More than 20 years ago, Sydney Banks had the stunning realization that what we experience as reality is a direct result/byproduct of what we are thinking. He saw that with every thought comes a feeling and that feeling creates our perception of the world. He observed in his own moment-to-moment experience that he was able to let a thought go and adopt a more neutral stance in the face of what were previously seen as problematic or upsetting circumstances. He saw that he and those around him had habitual responses to many of life’s events. For example, a visit from an in-law would guarantee a low mood for some. He also realized that we have within each of us an innate resiliency regardless of outside events.

For example, if we hear a strange noise in our car and think it might be something wrong with the engine, we might panic. We might imagine all manner of problems and expensive repairs and begin to worry about the outcome. When we discover it is simply a large twig caught under the car, we are instantly relieved and return to our normal good feeling.

In the past, we would have blamed the noise and the potential problems for having caused our state of mind. We might feel it is perfectly justified to become anxious and worried in such a situation. We now know, however, that our anxiety and worry are of our own making and that we actually have many other options available to us. We could become curious and investigate it ourselves or drive directly to a gas station. We could listen more carefully and recognize the true source of the sound. As our mind clears we might even remember having seen some tree trimmings at the side of the road just prior to the onset of the noise, and logic would prevail.

The potential for change that is possible with this paradigm shift is awe-inspiring. Like a pebble in a pond, the effects can ripple out from individuals to families, communities, the workplace, and further. Perhaps the traditional outside-in view of reality will someday become as illogical as a flat earth.

Each moment, each of us creates our experience of reality from within, via thought. We have innocently learned to take our thinking very seriously and, as a result, we’re often gripped by insecure thoughts that lower our mood. We’ve forgotten that we have the innate capacity to let go of a thought and thus live in well-being more of the time. We’ve forgotten that we have a choice.

In our innocence we also learned to accept the idea that our thoughts, and the feelings that came with them, were telling the truth, that they were painting an accurate picture of the world around us.

At last that myth has been shattered. We now know that we’re no longer at the whim of every thought. We are, instead, free to recognize the quality of a thought by the quality of the feeling that’s laminated to it. For example if our habit is to feel angry or upset when we’re confronted by a rude or indifferent sales person, we know that behind the feeling is some angry or upset thinking. Is it possible that there are other choices that we could make? Could we see that the sales person is also being gripped by their thinking and this has nothing to do with us or our state of mind? Could we even go so far as to see their innocence and feel compassion for them?

Those are just a few of the possibilities available to us when we let an uncomfortable thought go and change our perspective.

Just as we strive to maintain our physical flexibility, so we want to maintain our mental flexibility. We want to avoid habitual rigid thinking that doesn’t serve us and instead respond from a calm mind with fresh thinking that flows.

As we become more aware of our thinking as the source of our experience, we can begin to challenge some of our more entrenched ideas and open ourselves to new ways of seeing. We can let go of some of our expectations of how things “should” be, or of what we “need” the outcome to be.

Rather than have our thinking stick like Velcro, we are free to choose thinking that flows like Teflon.

There are so many advantages in choosing to let go. Physically we can reap enormous benefits, from lowered blood pressure to relief of muscle tension. Emotionally and spiritually, our world will change. When we no longer take our thinking so seriously and personally, we are no longer at the mercy of outside events. Our well-being is not dependent on the state of mind of another. We’re free to have a much richer experience of life.

For most of us it seemed that outside events and other people were making us angry or causing us upset. It seemed that the weather or traffic or lineups were making us impatient and grumpy. We now know that it’s all an inside job. What were we thinking?

I had that experience as I was considering the topic for this article. The subject of “Letting Go” was turning up everywhere. A radio interview on CBC, an article in a Vancouver paper and then a conversation with a friend were all on the subject of “Letting Go and Moving On”. Likewise, I’m observing it all around me with changes in other people’s lives. Friends, downsizing from the family home to a smaller space are not only letting go of possessions but also of a lifestyle. Some who’ve lost a loved one or whose relationships are somehow changing have to redefine themselves and give up what was familiar. As our boomer and zoomer populations age, we often have to let go of physical strengths that we once took for granted.

While the process of letting go seems particularly “in your face” as we age, I began to see that it’s one of life’s sure things, from early childhood to the end of life. Life is about letting go. We let go of total dependence on parents for survival. Then we let go of early childhood beliefs in Santa and the Easter Bunny and so it goes. From giving up our favourite teddy bear (which some of us never do) to letting go of our driver’s licence when we turn 80, it’s one of life’s greatest challenges. What do we let go of and what do we hold on to in order to move on?

We’ve all known people who seem to have difficulty letting go and moving on. Whether it’s positions, possessions or people, they hang on to what was. It’s hard for them to find joy and gratitude in their new situation. We’ve also known many who seem to gracefully move through life’s ups and downs accepting the inevitability of change.

What’s different about the two responses? Certainly it wouldn’t appear to be the outside event. We know our experience is not dictated by what happens but by what we make of what happens—that is, how we respond to it. In other words, what we think about the event.

Once again we come to the idea of choice. At every juncture in the road, we can choose. If only we could catch a glimpse of the truly amazing power within us, our individual capacity for resilience and well-being, we could then embrace this continuous process of letting go. We could see the possibilities open to us as we move on.

Move on we must. How we experience it is entirely up to us.

“All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.” — Henry Ellis