We’ve often talked about separate realities, a term Sydney Banks used to describe the difference in each individual’s response to any given situation or event. There have been many studies to support the idea that we all really do see the world through different lenses.

The clearest example of this phenomenon may be seen in witness’ accounts of an accident. There are often vastly different interpretations of what occurred. One witness may swear the car involved was a blue Ford while another will be sure it was a gray Chevy. One driver may be described by some as 5’8’’, heavy set, mid 20s, by others as 5’11’’, muscular, mid 30s.

Another amusing example is a family’s response after watching a television show together. Depending on their line of work, ages, hobbies, etc. the viewers will notice different things. A teenage boy will comment on the racy sports car while grandma may not even notice the car. Dad might pick up on the clever advertising or the dynamic between boss and employee while mom may notice people’s body language and how they communicated. Same movie, different lenses.

As we notice these subtle differences in how we each view events, a door is opened to greater acceptance and understanding of another’s point of view, and being “right” takes on a whole new meaning. Maybe there are many sides to every question. Perhaps there’s something to be learned by another’s point of view, something worth considering.

That’s not to say we must bow to every opinion or perspective. We each have personal values and codes of conduct based on our life experience and our innate wisdom. We all have issues about which we feel strongly. What understanding about separate realities does, however, is allow us to see the other persons perspective as simply that—another perspective. It depersonalizes the situation.

We’re then able to move from an adversarial position of reactivity and “need to be right” to one of deeper innate wisdom and common sense.

For example, when we observe what we believe to be injustices or an abuse of power it’s far more effective to address it from a position of resolve and calm than from a position of anger and judgment. Remember, we’re smarter when we’re calm.

There’s a profound freedom that comes with seeing that we are all creating our own reality moment to moment. It’s testament to the amazing power of thought and to the abundant choices available to us at any given time. “My reality or yours,” both attempts to interpret the world, each one our own movie. Let’s make it a good one.

As I was reflecting on how our thinking works and the amazing power of thought I was reminded of that show. In many ways it can be seen as a metaphor for our experience.

When we’re feeling gripped by a point of view or an idea it’s as if we’re seeing the reality or the truth. Instead, what we’re truly seeing is our personal perception of reality and truth. It’s as if life is a cleverly disguised mystery much like the questions on “Truth or Consequences.” What we make of it is up to us. And what we make of it is what we experience.

There is, within each of us, a beautiful radar that tells us when our thinking is taking us away from our true wisdom. The feeling that accompanies every thought is our signalling device. When we feel anxious or urgent, angry or judgmental, worried or fearful, we can be sure that behind the feeling is some thinking that’s creating this experience. We’ve interpreted an event, either past or present, through insecure lenses.

Our thinking tricks us because it appears to be right, to be real, to be important. There often seems to be genuine logic supporting our thinking. For example, if we’re attending an event at which we know very few people, it could seem quite natural to feel some anxiety. But is it really?

It’s only when we step back and allow our minds to get quiet that we’re able to recognize the true impersonal nature of thought. We’re then able to see all the choices available to us. In the example above, it’s not necessarily natural or logical to feel anxious or fearful in a group of strangers; it’s possible to feel excited, curious, calm or any number of responses.

As we become more sensitive to those feelings, which are our moment-to-moment experience, we realize that they’re the “consequences” of our thinking. They’re the inevitable outcome of a thought. We cannot have an anxious feeling without an attached anxious thought. Similarly we cannot have a calm feeling without a calm quiet mind.

In order to live in a calm feeling more of the time we need only recognize the feeling for what it is—our interpretation of a particular thought and a reflection of our state of mind. If I’m angry or upset it’s my response not the response, to a given event or situation.

We all have the gift of choice. We all have innate resiliency and wisdom. That’s a truth that promises consequences we all seek—to live in well-being more of the time.

I think most of us would admit to wanting balance in our lives. While that probably means different things to different people, I think it’s safe to say that we all have experienced the feeling of “imbalance” from time to time.

Whether it’s too much food and too little exercise, too much stress and too little sleep, too much work and too little family time, the resulting feeling is the same, a feeling of being out of control or victims of our circumstance.

We can blame our boss or the economy or our genes or the weather. Whatever it is that appears to be the source of our imbalance, the true source is our state of mind. It’s our habitual thinking, taken seriously, that creates our experience moment to moment.

When we become aware of the connection between a thought and the feeling that accompanies it we’re then able to step back and gain some perspective. We can see the role of thought in the creation of our reality.

Although it may feel that we are driven by outside influences such as what others may think, or what our parents taught us, or what our peers are doing, the truth is that we have the ultimate choice as to what we think and, as a result, what we do. We can choose to listen to our inner wisdom, the innate state of well-being that lies within each of us. And when we do, that wisdom will lead us to more balance.

While there are certain commitments and obligations that are required of us, we still have an ability to choose well-being more of the time. We can recognize when our thinking is not serving us and is instead leading us into a state of anxiety or stress. As we become more finely tuned to how we are feeling we are better able to catch ourselves before we become gripped by a thought. We can let go of unwanted habitual thoughts and instead allow fresh thinking to emerge, new insights to occur and our deeper wisdom to prevail.

For instance, if we have a particularly demanding work schedule we can find ways to either delegate or prioritize so as to allow time for other important aspects of our life whether it’s for exercise, more family time, pursuit of a course or a hobby.

Only when we recognize the power of thought and our capacity to choose are we able to tap into the profound pool of common sense and innate intelligence that is our birthright. From that place we can make wise choices and find a true balance and the well-being that comes with it.

How powerful is this thought/feeling connection that can move us from tears to laughter so instantly? We seem to be at the whim of each thought, or each act, as it’s under the spotlight.

Things aren’t, however, what they seem. We’re neither a captive audience nor an unwilling participant in this mental big top. We’re the circus master, the creator of every moment. And, as much as it may seem otherwise, we truly write the script, not of the events but rather of our experience of the events. As much as we might resist the idea that we have a choice and can change our perception, truth is that we can. We have free will.

It’s easy to point to worst case scenarios and “what if’s.” Of course life is a series of ups and downs, of wins and losses. It’s not that we’re likely to walk through this journey without some adversity. What we do know, however, is that we have an innate resiliency and a profound capacity to choose well-being and wisdom regardless of past or current circumstances.

When we feel gripped by worry or anxiety, by self-doubt and insecurity it’s the perfect opportunity to see how seriously we’re taking our thinking. We’re believing the script. We’re seeing the world through the lens of a thought. It’s then that we can see the myriad options available to us. We can recognize the habits that we’ve innocently developed and we can let them go.

It’s a lifelong discovery that continues to surprise and delight as we realize that we can free ourselves from thinking that doesn’t serve us. We can recognize the feeling that tells us, loud and clear, where we’re going with an unwanted thought. We can continue to peel away the layers that keep us from our true nature, one of compassion and love.

We can feel deep gratitude for the gift of our innate health, that capacity to live in a good feeling more of the time. And we can decide where our thinking will take us.

As Sydney Banks reminds us in The Missing Link, “We are all just a thought away from a good feeling.”

As I reflected on the content of the “New Year’s” articles that have been published in SPIN for the last few years it became clear that a common thread ran through them—the hope for dreams fulfilled, change for the better, potential realized. Out of that reflection came the question; “Why do we seem to have the same list year after year?” Why is learning to play the guitar and to speak passable French still on my list after so many years? Not to mention exercise more and procrastinate less. Then, as it so often happens, a casual conversation offered the pearl of wisdom; the “aha moment.”

The reason that so many of us have the same list year after year, decade after decade, is we believe or think that what’s on our list isn’t really possible. We believe that we have limits. We have innocently (and unconsciously) bought into the idea that we cannot change. How many times have you heard the old adage, “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” suggesting that we’re stuck with our habits. Our language betrays our self portrait. “I could never speak in public, carry a tune, play the piano, ride a horse, go back to school, live with you, live without you.”

Of course we do have certain limitations that cannot be denied. Some physical restrictions do exist. Some mental restrictions do exist. What also exists, however, is the potential to push our limits and reach unimagined heights. A 72 year old woman wrote her first book. A legally blind skier became an Olympic athlete. A young boy started a grassroots organization for global change. A grandmother got her BA. All around us is evidence, some small, some enormous, that the human spirit knows no bounds.

If it’s truly our thinking that creates our experience moment to moment, and if we do in fact have the ability to change our thinking then why don’t we? Why do we settle for less?

The aha moment that occurred, while seemingly obvious was, at the same time, very revealing and profound. The only thing standing between us and our amazing potential is a thought. The only thing keeping us from changing a habit or overcoming a fear is a thought. It’s the same for all of us all of the time. Is that really possible? You bet it is!

The problem with the “now” comes from the fact that we’re not always aware of or present to it. Have you ever noticed, when travelling somewhere, that you can be almost at your destination and yet completely unaware of the past several miles. Your mind has been wandering. Your thoughts were not in the moment.
When we’re in the moment we’re not thinking about the past or the future. We’re simply attentive to what we’re doing. For example, when we’re touched by the beauty of a sunset or a painting, or when we’re moved by a baby’s smile or a loved one’s voice we’re living in the now.

What happens, all too often, is that our thoughts wander. Perhaps when we’re touched by a sunset we might be reminded of another sunset in the past that was shared with a lost love and we feel sad. Or we might think of a sunset that accompanied a hilarious beach party when we were in our teens and we feel amused. In either situation we are drawing an experience from the past and giving it life through a thought. This will happen from time to time. It’s inevitable and part of our humanity. It would be impossible, I believe, to live constantly in the moment. What we can do, though, is become aware of what we’re doing, of where our thinking is taking us. We can see our thinking as the source of our feeling.

We have the amazing gift to choose where we’ll go with that thought. We can catch ourselves in our moment to moment creation and decide whether we want to make an elaborate web out of a single thought or simply let it go.

A group of us were passing a church recently and noticed the sign which read “Each day comes only once in a lifetime.” We might take it even further and say that each moment comes only once in a lifetime. How many moments are we willing to miss in the service of past events remembered or future events imagined? The answer is, as few as possible!

Did you ever imagine that it was possible to live most of your life in a good feeling? Did you think for a moment that you could let go of old insecurities and hurts? Did you really believe that you had within you a profound capacity to forgive and move forward?

Most of us do not believe we can. Most of us, I would guess, have grown up believing that it was outside circumstances and events that dictated our sense of well-being and that, other than the odd dash of “positive thinking,” we were at the mercy of our thinking. If someone criticized me and my feelings were hurt it seemed obvious to me that they’d caused my upset. It was with surprise, and some disbelief, that I first heard that I had a choice. I could choose to take my insecure thinking seriously or I could choose to see the bigger picture and take my thinking (and myself) more lightly. It was, for me, the most freeing experience of my life. I was no longer at the mercy of other people’s opinions and actions nor was I held hostage by my own insecure thoughts. I now knew, from personal experience, that I could let go of thinking that didn’t serve me and live in calm more of the time. Does that mean that I was guaranteed never to be gripped by low moods or judgment or fear? Not at all. What it does mean, however, is that once we are onto ourselves, that is, once we understand that we’re the creators of our moment-to-moment experience, we can never again be as gripped. We are able to catch ourselves sooner.

How do we do that? We do it by becoming more aware of our feelings. Every thought has a feeling attached to it. You can’t have an angry, or fearful, or joyous thought without experiencing a feeling that matches it. So, as we become more tuned into our feelings we can catch ourselves earlier in the game. We can decide not to make an epic out of a passing thought. We can decide not to go down the rabbit hole.

There are so many advantages to seeing the role of thought in the creation of our experience of reality. Not only are we free to choose, we’re also, through this understanding, able to access the deep source of well-being that lives within each of us. We can more readily move into gratitude, wisdom and forgiveness. We also can begin to see the innocence in those around us as they become gripped by their habitual thinking and insecurity. We can live in a good feeling more of the time. Road rage can become a thing of the past. Grudges can be seen as an almost comical waste of time. Life can become a journey of discovery that is truly beyond our wildest dreams.

It appears as though these ups and downs are created by the events in our lives. When we are rushing to an appointment, a traffic jam can often make us feel angry and upset with other drivers. There is an endless list of things that seem to alter our sense of well-being. Burnt toast, a stubbed toe, spilled coffee, misplaced keys are among the more common, minor occurrences that can “set us off”. Sometimes even the weather can be seen to cause a low mood. Equally evident are the things that evoke a feeling of joy and enthusiasm. The smile of a loved one, the sound of a favourite song, the smell of fresh coffee can all bring us a sense of pleasure.

Naturally in the course of our lives we face other more significant events. We all have experienced both ups and downs, losses and gains, as part of our journeys.

For some reason, when we consider our well-being, we tend to focus on our negative experiences or low moods. But what is the common denominator in our extremes of feelings? What is the source of our moment-to-moment view of the world?

There has been much written about various causes and cures for “the blues”. Certainly there is sound scientific research behind a great deal of it. We feel better when we exercise, get enough rest, avoid certain dietary pitfalls. There are proven variations in brain chemistry and hormones that can affect our perceptions. However, at the end of the day, it is thought that paints the final picture.

So what is our role in the creation of our experience? How can we live in a more consistent state of well-being? What is the “common denominator” in both our joy and our sadness, in our highs and in our lows?

We seem to have little to say about what thoughts pop into our minds. Save for the already mentioned self-care, our thinking appears to be beyond our control and in response to the outside world. As we’ve discussed often in this column, we now know that life is an inside out experience and that it’s not the event that creates our “movie” but instead it’s what we make of the event. What we think is what we get—until we recognize our ability to let a thought go. Hand-in-hand with that, however, is realizing the impersonal nature of thought. Thought in and of itself has no spin. We give it meaning by what we make of it. That is the “common denominator”. Whatever the thought, it’s how seriously and personally we take it that creates our experience and our reality.

Recently he wrote on gratitude, a topic that we’ve talked about before but which somehow seemed worth revisiting.

When we consider gratitude in the context of an outside-in experience, it’s easy to see how we would feel grateful for certain events such as a successful business venture or a recovery from an illness. There are an endless number of situations that we could, and likely would, give thanks for. Happy, healthy children, loving families, good friends . . . and on and on.

When, on the other hand, we consider gratitude from an inside-out perspective it becomes a different experience. Our gratefulness is no longer dependent on certain outcomes or expectations but is a state of mind. It is, in a way, our default setting as we move through life. Living in gratitude allows us to see the smallest occurrence through different eyes. We can see the gift in the everyday. We are even able to see the gift in some of life’s challenges, realizing that each one is an opportunity for learning and growth.

With gratitude as our stance there is a physical experience of calm. Often our shoulders will relax and our sense of well-being deepens and our lives are enriched.

I witnessed this kind of gratitude recently when a loved one, who is experiencing a painful, debilitating illness, was hospitalized. To quote: “I had the best time. I met so many interesting people and made so many new friends.” That is the inside-out practice of gratitude at its best.
We’ve been taught that we must have some “thing” to be grateful for. We’ve been taught that it’s outside events that create our experience of reality. We now have sufficient evidence proving that our experience is thought created. In other words, it’s not the event that creates our reality but rather what we make of the event.

The paradigm shift in how we understand our moment-to-moment experience frees us to choose how we will view the world. Will we be curious and excited or will we be bored and dissatisfied? Will we be hopeful and resilient or will we be fearful and anxious? The profound truth that life is an inside-out creation is perhaps the thing for which we should be most grateful. It enables us to return to a sense of well-being more of the time, regardless of circumstances.

Of course there are life events that sadden us and some that shake our faith in humanity. There are events that shock and disturb us. Woven through those events, however, are amazing acts of kindness, generosity and courage. Given that we have the gift of choice, let it be gratitude. To quote Robert Genn from his article: “It may be that gratefulness is the very basis of an evolved creative life and a life well lived.”

What can we make of these bumps in our interactions? Why is it such a common occurrence in our daily intercourse?

As in most of our behaviour, our communication style is essentially a habit—one that is learned from our culture and family of origin. As we learn the words that make up our mother tongue so do we learn the inflections and expressions that give those words emphasis and meaning. Hence the amazingly revealing and fascinating study of linguistics.

So how can we improve the quality of our communication and our expression? First we must become aware of our habits. What is our tone of voice and choice of words when we are interacting with family and friends? Equally important, what is our facial expression and body language when we are communicating? Most important of all, what is the feeling and the thought behind the expression?

I once watched a video of a very well-known therapist working with a couple who were having serious difficulty in their communication. The wife felt unheard and the husband felt demeaned and disrespected. As the video unfolded, it was clear what habits interfered with a smooth easy interaction. The wife had a habit of shaking her finger at her husband when she wanted him to listen. He responded by withdrawing and actually wincing, pulling away from her. She truly did not realize, nor did he, how their dance perpetuated a feeling of distance. As they became aware that they had within them the profound ability to recognize the role of their thinking in this process, they were then able to recognize their habitual behaviour and to change it.

We have made reference previously to Teflon versus Velcro thinking. This is an especially apt metaphor when it comes to communication. When our words are spoken from a place of judgment and insecurity, the most innocent statement may appear as rough as Velcro.  When, on the other hand, we speak from the profound place of wisdom and understanding that resides in each of us, our words are sincere and heartfelt. The exchange is smooth like Teflon and even a difficult message can be delivered with compassion.

We will always have our own unique styles of communicating—our own dialect, our own turn of phrase, our own mannerisms.  What I would wish for is that, as much as possible, we create an experience of rapport and respect, the language of love.