Leave Afghanistan alone

“Is there a better life for me?” — 4 Non Blondes

“Give peace a chance.” The Plastic Ono Band.

Here are the top nine reasons why our mission in Afghanistan is doomed.

9. Geography. Quick! Name the three main cities. What’s their currency? Who’s their president and chief drug lord? Who cares?

8. Men’s rights. It’s not what you know but who you know. Greasing palms is the way of life there. Anybody and everything is for sale to the highest bidder. The $300 million the UN spent on the fraudulent election bought a lot of AK-47s to kill Canadians with. No wonder they want another election. Maybe they need some more ammo?

7. Democracy. Huh? Over there, tribal clan and family links are alpha: not some weirdo concept from those nefarious, infidel Westerners. Women voting? Not acceptable.

6. Booze. As a nation of beer-swilling, bacon-eating hockey nuts, what on earth are we doing hanging with teetotalling, goat-eating tribesmen who yearn for the Stone Age? I’m against spending money on someone who won’t have a beer with me.

5. Servicing the population. That’s Officialese for what we are ostensibly doing in the Hindu Kush. Building schools, digging wells and vaccinating children doesn’t seem to be all that popular to the locals who either loathe us or are shooting at our brave misguided troops.

4. Absent Hippies. The Longhairs started the chain of events that got the U.S. out of Vietnam. Where are the anti-war party-thons from the vinyl era? If I get busted packing a “Leave the Afghanis alone” sign while sporting sandals and smelling like Patchoulli, wrecked on black Afghani hash (local custom, insult to decline, research purposes only), I could be the catalyst that gets us out of this embarrassment to our nation. Gee, let’s have a movement to save lives, money and face.

3. Respect. Going there to try and tell the indigenous patriots that they need change by deployment of force hasn’t worked for anyone in all of history. If Alexander the Great, the British Colonial Office, the KGB supervised Soviets, and the techno-war Americans can’t get the country to evolve, who could blame us for leaving the party early? There’ll be chaos then as there always is in them parts of the world.

2. Mission Clarity. Shooting up the countryside there to assist Canadian values here is an awfully obtuse way to return benefit to the taxpayers forced by law to ante up for Ottawa in over its head playing on the world stage. When we need to pay for friendship, suffer useless casualties, spend billions uninspiring the Canadian public, maybe it’s reality check time. Us going big a la WWI and II is not going to happen. Going home is.

1. Culture. There’s no way that any submission on their part will happen. A peaceful Western traveller in the 1960s and ‘70s would be guaranteed hospitality. Afghanistan used to be every stoner’s dream. They have their culture and we have ours. They aren’t a threat. Leave the poor bastards alone. That’s what they really, really want.